Because of Sports

clientsfromhell:

Client: Could you photoshop it so that I look like less of an asshole?

Me: I’m sorry, how…?

Client: My employees say I look like an asshole in this picture, so take care of it.

Me: Can you ask them how you look like – 

Client: Look, my employees are ignorant idiots, just fix it. 

Me: Oh, I think I see it now. 

You ever look around a room and wonder how many people you can beat in a game of chess? No, not really? I know you’re lying. At the very least you’ve looked around and wondered if pitted against someone in an intense game of “rock, paper, scissor” how many times that person would throw rock before they realized you’ve settled on paper (if you haven’t already made up your own sign). I’ve often wondered why we place these little titles on each other when we have no idea what they mean. For instance we often times hear the phrase “they’re so clever.” What makes them so clever? Why have they been given this description? Being clever isn’t playing little mind games on people for the sole purpose of outsmarting them. Being clever is when you are a kid and your mom asks what you want for dinner and you say “food.” That is clever. Clever doesn’t have a thought process. Clever is taking what we’ve learned and putting it out there in its simplest form. That is it. Think of all the things you’ve laughed at in life or that you thought were clever and I’ll guarantee its funnier when kids or animals do it. You ever see a child pretending to do grown up things? Ten times funnier and a billion times more clever than when a grown up does grown up things. Which is the perfect segue to me focusing on a phrase that makes me laugh every time I hear it.

“I’m a grown man.”

That’s not clever.

What does this mean? What makes a man wake up one day and decide this is his proclamation to the world? What makes him in that moment realize this is officially who I am? I went to the Pharmacy one night and this guy was standing in front of me. The woman at the register was receiving all of his best one-liners about how he would “change her way of thinking” and ” She should probably just quit her job and go out with him right then and there.” Which in hindsight was a bit strong and shocking because I didn’t know people actually talked like that. First: no disrespect to what this guy was trying to accomplish, but very few people can get away with talking like that to a woman without being a skunk with a French accent in a Warner Bros. cartoon (I hope with all the descriptive modifiers you got the Pepe Le Pew reference) or Will Smith in the movie “Hitch”…assuming he comes up with a clever way of putting it. Second: he might wanna take it easy when he is purchasing from a pharmacy. You realize you’re not buying clothes or shoes right? This particular gentleman told us all we needed to know about his foot care. But we digress. So he finishes with the obligatory flourish of informing the woman to let him know when she’s ready to be with a “grown man” and not boys. She simply smiled and said “Okay. Will the Tin-actin, skittles, and toilet paper do it for you today?” Very clever.

You wake up one day and you’re tired of it. Tired of the micro-management, tired of the “life” lessons, tired of paying your dues to someone who didn’t necessarily pay theirs. You wake up and you realize that corner office isn’t for you. That maybe, just maybe, you are destined for something slightly larger than taking it on the chin day after day from someone who probably wishes their life was better. You ever been yelled at for eight hours straight by people whose Old Navy debt is the equivalent of a second mortgage? I have. It sucks. You bite your tongue and say “everything is going to be alright.” When in all honesty you want to tell them to stop whining and pay your bills! Essentially I am here to do what i want to do and say what I want to say. All in the spirit of comedy. That means making you laugh so hard I’ll know what your embarrassing laugh sounds like. That means bringing you thought provoking material I never had the courage to bring you because I was under the impression I couldn’t say what I wanted to. That means bringing you into my head and my word and not allowing you to leave without fully knowing that I am sick of the micro-managing system and the lack of story telling a lot of comedians have decided to walk away from.

I walked outside to a beautiful day and spent eight hours of it inside a place I didn’t want to be. That is my current reality. But, I’ve come up with a great analogy for doing that five or six days a week. Ready? Go outside and ask a teenager to kick you in the sweet spot over and over again. Yep, that is entering a job you hate every day. I don’t know why some of us have convinced ourselves that we should just roll over and die a metaphorical death to earn what we consider a great salary by the standards of a now defunct middle-class. I was blessed to be born with (and obtain along the way) a host of talents that now I’ve decided it is time to put to use in a more productive way. So I welcome all who plan to join me on this journey to freedom. Not freedom in the financial sense, or freedom that inspires war paint and swords; but freedom that truly matters. Freedom that allows you to sleep at night and not dread waking up in the morning because you can’t look at yourself. These are my thoughts, my words, and my outlet. This is my Comedic Revival.

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